The power of imagination makes us infinite.  Keep an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out.  A mind is like a parachute.  It doesn't work if it is not open.

Do not take life too seriously.  You will never get out of it alive.  Life's too mysterious to take it too serious.

Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years without brains is remarkable.  Brains are awesome I wish everybody had one.  My brain is like The Bermuda Triangle...  Information goes in and then it's never found again.

My IQ test results came back.  They were negative. 

Keep rolling your eyes.  Maybe you'll find a brain back there.

My friend has two parts of the brain.  On the left side, there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left.  My brain is half empty, but I see it as half a fool.

There is no medical problem with my brain, but on the left side, there's nothing right.  And on the right side, there's nothing left.

I came to this world by accident.  I was made for another planet altogether.  I mistook the way.

A turtle loses his shell; is he naked or homeless ?

What key won't open any door?  A  turkey.

When are turkeys the most grateful ?  The day after  Thanksgiving.

Does music make you wonder ?  It certainly made Stevie Wonder.

Singing in the shower is all fun until you get shampoo in your mouth.  Then it becomes a soap opera. 

How do you get a squirrel to like you?  Act like you’re nuts.

Some people think I have a screw loose.  Bad news for them.  I lost the screwdriver. 

I went to the bookstore yesterday and saw a book that said "How to solve 50% of your problems."  So I bought two of the same book. 

A speedy driver says, “I was pulled over by the police today.”  The police said, "I've been waiting all day for you."  He replied, “I got here as fast as I could.” 

Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil ?  She finally found Mr. Write.

A cow in an earthquake is called a milkshake.

Why did the cow want to leave the planet ?  To go to the Milky Way.

What does an astronaut call his ex from space ?  SpaceX. 

You're so cool, you must be made of ice cream; I am so hot, you can bake cookies with me. 

What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race?  Ketchup. 

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a room with a mosquito.

Different eyes, see different things.  Everyone has two eyes but no one has the same view.

People say I look better without glasses.  But I just can’t see it.  Respect people who wear glasses.  They paid money to see you.

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, "I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?"  "Try the ATM outside,"  he said. 

The wife is doing her makeup early in the morning straight out of bed.  Husband: "Are you crazy?"  Wife: "Just shut up, I need to unlock my phone.  Face recognition features not recognizing me.”

I asked an old man I know, "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'.  What's the secret ?".  Old man: "I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her ! "

I stayed too much inside my head and ended up losing my mind.  I think I need glasses because I keep seeing a lot of people with two faces.  I hate two faced people.  It's so hard to decide which face to slap first.

The taxi driver today said, "I love my job.  I am my own boss.  Nobody tells me what to do."  Then I said,  "Turn left here." 

How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?  Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses.  Why do you never see a phone wearing glasses?  Because they have contacts.

Don't blame a clown for acting like a clown.  Ask yourself why you keep going to the circus ?

A man goes to library and asks for a book on Suicide... Librarian looks at him and says:  "hello.. who will return the book ? "

Sometimes later becomes never.  The doctor asks the client with a loss of memory to pay in advance.  Because tomorrow may never come.

If you can't afford a radiography doctor, go to an airport — you'll get a free x-ray and a breast exam. 

Why is a good doctor able to stay calm ?  He has a lot of patients.

Let my blind friend borrow money the other day.  He told me he was going to pay me back the next time he saw me. 

If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.   Best friends buy you food; true friends pay the bill; but fake friends eat your food.  Good times and crazy friends make the best memories.  Don’t bite more than you can chew !

John and Nancy go to a restaurant.  Nancy said: It's the guy duty to pay the bill at the restaurant, that's why it's called " MEN U ".  John said: Naw, it's both our responsibility, that's why it's called " ME N U ". 

You glow different with good people in your life.  Follow bees you can find flowers; follow flies you can only find toilets.  Bees don't waste their time explaining to flies that honey is better than shit.

Everybody wants to change the world, but nobody wants to change the toilet paper.  Be the change. 

Dirty war, same shit at different toilets.  If you find a toilet in your dream, don't use it.

If we took the planet's temperature, it would tell us that the Earth has a fever.  And it is sick...  A sick person tells others to take medicine for him to recover !

When love is real, the farts don't matter.  Home is where you trust the toilet seat.

Whatever goes on two legs has an enemy.  Whatever goes on four legs or has wings has friends.  Money can buy a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail.

You can’t always control who walks into your life, but you can control which window you throw them out.

Don’t throw stones at your neighbors if your windows are glass.

I've often heard that  "icy"  is the easiest word to spell.  Looking at it now, I see why.

When you are stressed, you eat dessert.  Because stressed spelled backwards is  "desserts ".  The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap.

I asked my friend to spell  "wonton"  backwards.  He said  "not now".

Atheists say God is “no where”; the pastor replies, “Nowhere”  in one word.

Eating in someone's house is very stressful, you have to laugh even when the children take away your food.

When life gives you lemons, throw them away and ask for chocolate.  I don't have a problem with chocolate, I have a problem without it.

A little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.  So far I’ve finished two bags of  M&Ms  and a chocolate cake.  I feel better already.

I'm on a seafood diet.  I see food, and I eat it.  Besides chocolate, that is my favorite.

I want to be like a caterpillar, eat a lot, and sleep for a while.  Wake up, beautiful. 

A man decided he would hang himself, but thankfully, he was unsuccessful.  The rope broke.  He is trying to sue the rope manufacturer for the defective rope he purchased. 

You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair.

My soul is on a budget.  I can't afford negativity, doubt, drama, hate or bad vibes. 

Don't let the same snake bite you twice.  Cuttlefish produce ink to escape from predators, and skunks use spray as a last resort. 

Always remember that you are absolutely unique.  Just like everyone else.  Don't drink to forget me, you'll end up seeing me double.

I may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I am somebody's double shot of tequila.

You were my cup of tea.  Coffee is my favorite, but I drink champagne now. 

It is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple.  Anybody who tells you money can't buy happiness never had any.

If you put the bananas and money in front of the monkeys, the monkeys will choose bananas because they don't know that money can buy a lot of bananas.

People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

If you still think money doesn't bring happiness, transfer it into my account.  I will make you happy ! 

Money doesn’t make you happy, but a lack of money can create unhappiness.  Bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

Kindness is always fashionable.  The sweetest things become the most bitter by excess.  Always borrow money from a pessimist.  He won't expect it back.

Can't even rob Peter to pay Paul anymore...  Peter ain't got it either. 

“Ready or not, here I come !”  When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. 

The happiest people are the givers, not the takers.  Never expect a loan to a friend to be paid back if you want to keep that friend.

I have a bad habit of giving an ocean whenever someone asks for a single drop.  No beauty shines brighter than that of a good heart.

Whatever you do, always give 100% - unless you're donating blood.

I am an early bird and a night owl... so I am wise and I have worms.

I'm almost a millionaire.  I have all the zeros; I now just need a one.

When you have no money, people say 'Who are you?'  But when you have money, they say “ How are you “ ? 

A bottle of water can be $0.40 at a grocery store, $2 at a gas station, $4 at an amusement park or $6 on an airplane.  If people don't value you, you're in the wrong place.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America.  If I’m not there, I go to work. 

Sleep like you're rich, work like you're broke.  You can't have a million-dollar dream with a minimum-wage worth ethic.  Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.

My therapist told me to 'dare to dream'.  So, I dreamt I was a millionaire.  Turns out, it was just a dream.  Now I need a new therapist. 

Money speaks only one language.  "If you save me today, will save you tomorrow".

You can use your time to make money, but you can't use the money to purchase more time.  So I bought a Rolex with the trade-in of my Timex.

A lady in front of me at the dollar store paid for my items.  I paid for the man behind me, and he left $10 with the cashier because there was no one behind him.

Life does not come with instructions on how to live.  Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done.  People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

Life offers a delightful perspective on the ups and downs we face every day.  Left is hot, right is cold.  Don’t believe everything you hear.  Follow your dreams when in doubt. 

Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.  Worry never steals the sadness of tomorrow; it only takes away the joy of today.  I may be wrong, but it's highly unlikely.

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living.  The world owes you nothing.  It was here first.  "I was appointed from eternity, from the beginning, before the world began". (Proverbs 8: 23)

If you ever get caught sleeping on the job, slowly raise the head and say  " in Jesus name ",  Amen.

Music affects emotions. The first time I sang in the church choir, about twenty people changed their religion.

Money is a great servant but a bad master.  I'd like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money.

I had plastic surgery last week.  I cut up my credit cards.  

A man went to the jail visit his friend and slapped him for being stupid to be caught.  He never got caught.

I hate when cashiers feel the need to check if my money is real.  If I could make counterfeit money, I wouldn't be at the Dollar Tree store shopping. 

A thief stole my wife's credit card.  But I let him keep it because he spends less money than she does.

Money looks better in the bank than in your closet.  I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.

A thief broke into my house last night…..  He started searching for money, so I woke up and searched with him.

Only dead fish go with the flow.  A drowning man will clutch at a straw.  My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.  Tears have no weight but it carries heavy feelings.

Someone asked me: How are you so calm, like nothing bothers you ?  I replied: Because everything I was afraid of happening... happened !

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors and also our enemies, probably because they are generally the same people.

My enemy said to me,  'Love your enemy.'  And I obeyed him and loved myself.

No one is too old to laugh !   The laughter that proceeds from the heart makes you feel happy.