History is the story of events, with praise or blame.  10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope, and Johnny Cash.  Now we have no Jobs, no Hope, and no Cash.  The future is promised to no one.

I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.  My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I started.

I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off. 

There's no fear when you're having fun.  If it costs you your peace, it’s too expensive.  If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid.

You learn how much you're worth, don't settle for average.  You'll stop giving people discounts.  And make sure to add tax.

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye or you should make lemonade and then try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you're drunk.

I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died; Never frequent beauty shops that don’t have mirrors.  They have something to hide.  When your sister does your hair, you don't need a mirror.

When nothing goes right...  goes left.  The right thing with the wrong motive, is the wrong thing.  I am not superstitious, but I'm a little stitious.

We make mistakes because life doesn’t come with instructions.  Sometimes it takes the wrong turn to get you to the right place.

I find television very educational.  Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book. 

I may have been born at night, but not last night.  I’m old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway.  People say you can’t live without love, but I think oxygen is more important.

Make life fun today because tomorrow isn't guaranteed.  Be aware that kids will unplug your life support to charge their phone.

Life is trying things to see if they work.  If  I am ever on life support, unplug me...  Then plug me back in.  See if that works ?

I was tired yesterday, and I am tired again today.  So, I am retired.

I'm proud of my heart. It's been played burnt and broken, but it still works. 

It's not my fault you thought I was normal.  I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.  They say, "Don't try this at home".  So I am coming over to your house to try it.  Don't close the doors on me, or I will come back to buy the building.

A door is much smaller compared to the house; a lock is much smaller compared to the door; and a key is the smallest of all, but a key can open the entire house.

There is absolutely no common sense, it is common non-sense.  Humans are the only species that have the ability to smile, laugh, and commit suicide.

Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.  Be careful about reading health books.  You may die of a misprint.  Dying is nothing.  What is terrible is not to live.

I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.  From the errors of others, a wise man corrects his own.

We have two lives, and the second begins when we realize we only have one.  You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

To live is to learn, and to learn is to live.  If you don't do stupid things while you're young, you'll have nothing to laugh about when you're old.  I hope it doesn't take you a lifetime to understand this.

The elevator to success is out of order.  You’ll have to use the stairs…  one step at a time.

Aging like fine wine.  The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.  Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are a cheese.

Time does'nt exist.  Clocks exists.  The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Common sense is like deodorant.  The people who need it most never use it.  Knowledge is like underwear.  It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.

Guy walks out of the restroom...  Girl says: "Sir your garage door is open...  Guy asks: "Did you see my Harley"...  Girl says: "No, I saw a mini bike with two flat tires".

What do you call a bee that lives in America?   A USB.

If you sneeze and fart at the same time, your body takes a screenshot while you press  " Alt + Print Screen. "

Adam and Eve were the first ones to ignore Apple's terms and conditions.

Why computers ask users to prove they are not robots which were built by human ?  A computer you can't throw out a window.

Do not ever break wind in an Apple store.  They do not have Windows. 

The oldest computer was owned by Adam and Eve.  It was an Apple with very limited memory.  Just 1 byte and everything crashed.  Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the snake didn't have a leg to stand on.

Some people remind me of old TV sets; you must hit them a few times until they get the picture. 

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.

A headache is like a bill; it always arrives at the wrong time, just like the software update, which always appears at the wrong time, and the internet's weak signal, which makes everything slower.

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone.

If you can't figure out where you stand with someone, then maybe it's time to stop standing and start walking.

If you are uncertain about where you stand, then step aside and have a seat.  Standing in the middle of the road is very dangerous; you will get knocked down by traffic from both sides.

We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.

With great power comes a great electricity bill.  When I was young, I was scared of the dark.  Now when I see the electricity bill, I'm scared of the lights.

A child asked daddy “how to spell love”.  Daddy replied, “You don’t spell it, you feel it”.

They say with age comes wisdom.  It's not gray hair, it's wisdom glitter.  Therefore, I don't have wrinkles.  I have wise cracks.

Wrinkles mean you laughed, gray hair means you cared, and scars mean you lived.

My face carries all my memories.  Wrinkles only go where the smiles have been.  If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
                  

The optimist invents the airplane;  the pessimist invents the parachute.  The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds.  The pessimist fears it is true.

I'm sick of following my dreams.  Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.  I keep calm and turn it off and on again. 

There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.

I'm not an early bird or a night owl, I'm some form of permanently exhausted pigeon.

A child once asked me, “Is life a dream or a reality ?”  I replied, “Life is a dream but the dream is true.”  All men dream, but not equally.

Dreams do not come true just because you dream them.  A dream you dream alone is only a dream.  A dream you dream together is reality.  The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up.

Just because you're awake doesn't mean you should stop dreaming.  You have to dream before your dreams can come true.

Don't give up on your dreams, or your dreams will give up on you.  Keep on sleeping !

Me and my Bed are happily married.  We have two kids named pillow and blanket. 

Comfort and change do not dwell together.  Every morning you have two choices: continue to sleep with your dreams, or wake up and chase them.  The river does not chase the ocean, yet they meet when the journey is complete.

Life is constantly changing.  Dreams don't have an expiration.  If you have dreams to achieve, you are still young.  Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.

The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep.  Every great dream begins with a dreamer.  If your dreams don't scare you, they are not big enough.

If you're not embarrassed by who you were a year ago, you're not growing fast enough.

Love is life.  If you miss love, you miss life.  Stop saying that marriage is "just a piece of paper".  So is money, but you still get up every day and work hard for it.

Life is the flower; love is the honey.  "Being in love with you makes every morning worth getting up for."  You're the cheese to my macaroni.

A good woman is not easy to find nowadays.  You have to steal from a careless man who doesn't value what he has.

You say you love flowers, but you cut them.  You say you love animals, but you eat them.  Now you say you love me, and I'm scared ! 

Love is a game that two can play and both win.  Marriage is not just a word; it’s a sentence.....    (a life sentence)  Who would give a law to lovers?  Love is unto itself a higher law.

Why does Earth only have one moon?  Because the planet is moonogamous.

A man with money can change a broken woman's life...  A woman with money won’t even look at a broken man. 

Marry a man who is older than you so that by the time you're losing your beauty, he's also losing his eyesight. 

I asked my friend: “Aren’t you wearing your ring on the wrong finger ?”  She answers: “Yes, I’m married to the wrong man.”  I say: Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterward.

My friend told his wife that to have peace at home she needed to leave all problems out the door.  She agreed yesterday, but she forgot the key and locked herself outside the house today.

Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them.  If you want something said, ask a man.  If you want something done, ask a woman.  If you need money, look for Dad, if you need love, look for Mum. 

Love is like a fart.  If you have to force it, it's probably shit.  Some people are like clouds.  When they disappear, it's a beautiful day.

Love is not based on sex.  Love is based on respect, trust, and honesty.  You never appreciate what you have until it's gone.  Toilet paper is a good example.

I'm not single.  I'm taken, taken for granted. 

Stop saying women don't cook like Grandma, because some men don't pay bills like Grandpa either.

When a man makes more money, he feels like he wants more women; but when a woman makes more money, she feels like she doesn't need a man.

If you want a man to love you for a lifetime, love his heart not his money;  If you want a woman to love you for a lifetime, love her soul not her body. 

Women marry men hoping they will change.  Men marry women hoping they will not.  Having a wife is part of living, but living with wife is the art of living.  Love isn’t something you find.  Love is something that finds you.

Make your marriage more awesome than your wedding.  Marriage is a workshop, where husband works and wife shops.  A good husband makes a good wife.

Wife:  "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that ?"  Husband:  "How can I ?   I don't even know her !

A wife asked her husband, "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating ?" So her husband took her to dinner and a movie, then dropped her off at her parents' house. 

Man has his will; woman has her way.  A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.  A successful woman is one who can find such a man !

There’s a wheel, there’s a way.

I got a new EV from Germany, which is A-Ford-Able Volts-wagen.   New Teslas don’t have that familiar new car smell – they have an Elon Musk.

I'm married to a very unusual person, but maybe it took a very unusual person to be willing to marry me.  Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.

My husband thinks I’m crazy.  But I’m not the one who married me.

Tell her she’s beautiful instead of HOT she’s your wife not TEMPERATURE.

My wife and I always compromise.  I admit I am wrong and she agrees with me.  We always hold hands, If I let go, she shops.

Wife: I have changed my mind… Husband: Does the new one work ?  She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

An angry wife storms up to her husband.  Wife: Our son just called me a bitch.  Husband: That son of a bitch ...

The husband is the HEAD of the family and wife is the NECK that turns the head around.

I refuse to go back to the old me.  I'm becoming a better person by using my past experiences as lessons.  Some people visit my past more than I do.  I don't live there anymore.  I sold the whole building. 

I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing...  The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.  I am teachable.  I'm not always right.

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

I'm not completely useless, I can be used as a bad example.

I can't be anyone's plan B.  I'm not even my mom's second child.

The best thing about speaking the truth is you don't have to remember what you said.

I seriously cannot wait until all the pieces come together and I finally understand why I went through everything I did.

I never made a mistake in my life.  I thought I did once, but I was wrong.  Even a stopped clock is right twice every day.  Mistakes are better than missed takes.  It is only those who do nothing who makes no mistake.

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

A man is incomplete until he is married.  After that, he is finished.

Man cannot live on bread alone; he must have peanut butter...

I try to cook an omelet but end up having scrambled eggs.  Expect problems and eat them for breakfast. 

The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.  If you're not failing from time to time, you're not aiming high enough.

People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys.  If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.  Trying to make sense of crazy will make you crazy.  Be happy, it drives people crazy.

I am a very simple person in real life, and I enjoy what I do.  I try not to laugh at my own jokes but you all know I'm hilarious.  If you don't laugh at my jokes then I will.  You laugh because you think it's a joke.  I laugh because you think I'm joking.

I know I'm a handful but that's why I got two hands.  I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.