Things people actually said in court, word for word,
were taken down by court reporters,
who had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
- LAWYER: Now, sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man.
WITNESS:
Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.
- LAWYER: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all ?
WITNESS:
Yes.
-
LAWYER: Is there anything
that would refresh your recollection as to whether or not you were
experiencing any pain at the scene?
WITNESS:
A better memory.
- LAWYER:
And in what ways does it affect your memory ?
WITNESS:
I forget ...
LAWYER:
You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot ?
- LAWYER:
What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning ?
WITNESS:
He said, 'Where am I,
Cathy ?'
LAWYER:
And why did that upset you ?
WITNESS:
My name is
Susan !
- LAWYER:
What gear were you in at the moment of the impact ?
WITNESS:
Gucci sweats and
Reeboks.
- LAWYER:
Are you sexually active ?
WITNESS:
No, I just lie there.
- LAWYER:
You went on a rather elaborate
honeymoon, didn't you ?
WITNESS:
I went to Europe, sir.
LAWYER:
And you took your new partner with you?
(realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question)
Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question.
- LAWYER:
About what time do you recall that arrest taking place ?
WITNESS:
It was a little after midnight.
LAWYER:
And how do you know that it was about midnight ?
WITNESS:
I have a watch that I consult often.
- LAWYER:
What is your date of birth ?
WITNESS:
July 18th.
LAWYER:
What year ?
WITNESS:
Every year.
- LAWYER:
How old is your son, the one living with you ?
WITNESS:
Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
LAWYER:
How long has he lived with you ?
WITNESS:
Forty-five years.
- ATTORNEY:
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning ?
WITNESS:
Did you actually
pass the bar exam ?
- LAWYER:
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he ?
WITNESS:
He's 20, much like your
IQ
!
- LAWYER:
Were you present when your picture was taken ?
WITNESS:
Are you shitting me ?
- LAWYER:
So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th ?
WITNESS:
Yes.
LAWYER:
And what were you doing at that time ?
WITNESS:
Getting laid !
- LAWYER:
She had three children , right ?
WITNESS:
Yes.
LAWYER:
How many were boys ?
WITNESS:
None.
LAWYER:
Were there any girls ?
WITNESS:
Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney ?
- LAWYER:
How was your first marriage terminated ?
WITNESS:
By death ...
LAWYER:
And by whose death was it terminated ?
WITNESS:
Take a guess.
- LAWYER: Can you describe the individual ?
WITNESS:
He was about medium height and had a beard.
LAWYER:
Was this a male or a female ?
WITNESS:
Unless the
Circus was in town I'm going with male.
- LAWYER: Could you see him from where you were standing ?
WITNESS:
I could see his head.
LAWYER: And where was his head ?
WITNESS:
Just above his shoulders.
- LAWYER:
Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead
of an attempted murder trial ?
WITNESS:
The victim lived.
- LAWYER:
Were you acquainted with the deceased ?
WITNESS:
Yes sir.
LAWYER: Before or after
he died ?
- LAWYER: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney ?
WITNESS:
No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
- LAWYER:
Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead
people ?
WITNESS:
All of them. The live ones
put up too much of a fight.
- LAWYER:
Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:
The
autopsy started around 8:30 pm
LAWYER:
And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
- LAWYER:
ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK ? What school did you go
to ?
WITNESS:
Oral ....
- LAWYER: Do you recall the time that you examined the body ?
WITNESS:
The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
LAWYER:
And Mr. Denton was dead at the time ?
WITNESS:
If not, he was by the time I finished.
- LAWYER:
Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse ?
WITNESS:
No.
LAWYER:
Did you check for blood pressure ?
WITNESS:
No.
LAWYER:
Did you check for breathing ?
WITNESS:
No ...
LAWYER:
So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy ?
WITNESS:
No.
LAWYER:
How can you be so sure, Doctor ?
WITNESS:
Because
his brain was sitting on my desk
in a jar.
LAWYER: I see, but
could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless ?
WITNESS:
Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive and practicing
law.
-
LAWYER:
Did you blow your horn or anything ?
WITNESS:
After the accident ?
LAWYER:
Before the accident.
WITNESS: Sure, I played for
ten years.
-
LAWYER:
Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence ?
WITNESS:
Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
-
LAWYER:
You check your radar unit frequently ?
Officer:
Yes, I do.
LAWYER: Was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar ?
Officer:
Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly.
-
Judge: Where do you work ?
Defendant: Here and there.
Judge: What do you do for a living ?
Defendant: This and that.
-
Lawyer: What happened then?
Witness: He told me, he says, “ I have to kill you because you can identify me.”
Lawyer: Did he kill you?
Witness: No.
-
Lawyer: You say the stairs went down to the basement ?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they also go up ?
Most trials have stenographers recording everything being said;
they write down the good and the bad, and occasionally the ridiculous.
How could an innocent question like "Do you know me?" end up like this? And why should lawyers never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer?
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand --
a grandmotherly,
elderly woman. He approached her and asked,
" Mrs. Jones, do you know me ? "
She responded, " Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. "
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,
" Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney ? "
She again replied, " Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention, he cheated on his wife with three different women -- one of them was
your wife. Yes, I know him. "
The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said,
" If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt. "
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